i promised i’d share this unfiltered story

yesterday was my 40th birthday. a moment in time that many have conjoined in their minds with certain milestones and expectations.

i didn’t have those, per se. but what i did have in no way resembled how it transpired.

what i mean is that i was 32 weeks pregnant… a statement (i say with no hyperbole) i never thought i’d say.

i wrestled for years with whether or not i wanted to be a parent. and one thing i sought out during my inner diligence were stories of others who had similar uncertainty, how they made the decision, and how they felt as a result.

i found few of those so i promised myself that i’d put mine out there in case it could support anyone else on their journey.

important sidenote: i realize this is a sensitive topic. if you’re in a space where hearing about this is not supportive to you, please skip it..

i share the full story in this 30-minute episode of inprocess (or 15-minutes on 2x speed).

you can hear it here

i cover topics like:

being on different pages about this huge decision with my partner
the balance i struck between logic and emotion when processing this choice
what happened when i let fear (versus possibility) uncharacteristically take over
questions i asked myself about identity shifts and redefining self and purpose
why i don’t necessarily believe in ‘hell yes’ or ‘hell no’ decision-making (especially when it comes to this)
the steps i took to process it all and the turning point moment when i made a decision
the still complex journey we took from that moment until conception, then early pregnancy
how things are shifting during my pregnancy
the pressures i’ve felt to ‘be excited’
recognizing the temporal nature of everything and how that gave me confidence to move forward
a book that aided a big shift for me
a dream that brendan (my partner) had shortly before we conceived in which our baby girl came to him